I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
