Betty ford says i'm here all night
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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