it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
