Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
