Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
