I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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