miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
