Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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