I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
