I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
