Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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