walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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