remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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