If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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