so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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