Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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