I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
