i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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