I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
