dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
