Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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