Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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