I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You pole danced in your parka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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