Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
