brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
