My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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