Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
