You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
