I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Small penises have feelings too.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
