Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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