Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
