Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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