someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize