You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
