She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize