I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
