Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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