she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
