just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
