Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
