worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
