my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
