I want to stick my p in your. b.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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