alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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