I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
