I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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