I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
