My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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