My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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