you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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