I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
