the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
