frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
