it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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