Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
