What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
