i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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