wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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