my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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